I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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