He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
