I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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