i would one night stand the shit outta him
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
