Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
