i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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