i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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