I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
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Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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