I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
