no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
