She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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