God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
