so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's just like the Real World with babies
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
