The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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