I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
