Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
