At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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