I'm lost and stupid without you.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
