so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
