apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
