I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
FUCK WHALES
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
