I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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