he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
