At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
