i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We are all done wearing pants today
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
