Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
another moral hangover. fuck.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
