Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
