...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
