I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
