Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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