Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
