Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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