im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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