around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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