My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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