he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
