Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
