Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
