so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So apparently I’m into choking now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
