I hate your face
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
