I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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