im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
