ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
