ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
