hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
