It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
