Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
