Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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