You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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