You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
