She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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