im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
