Betty ford says i'm here all night
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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