that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
