I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
