They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
