so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
