i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
