so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
