Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
