dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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