My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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