Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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