Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
